<3

there are a few things that I can only rely on God right now. His promises are the only motivation that kept me going for the past 3 weeks, if not I would have drop down dead or ran across by Clayton train.

I’m back from winter camp, hillsongs and road trip. All awesome, all good, but my heart wasn’t right for any of those. There was this really heavy baggage that kept me from being really really happy even though I was with the best company ever. Probably the best company in the whole world. The only thing that kept me going was the word of God. The only comfort I could sought for was the word of God. You see me bringing my little bible everywhere I go, but you don’t see me opening them at night. This time I did, every night of the road trip I had to rely on his promises to keep me sane.

Through all these, I realize that a girl is always a girl after all. Playing with hot wheels and burning barbie’s head since I was young doesn’t exempt me from the vulnerability that other girls would go through. It just didn’t come easy. I scoffed at people getting upset over what I called ‘trivial’ matters of life, till I realize what it really meant.

Even the best news in the world that could make my parents so happy only redeemed my joy for about 4 hours. And you want to know what that is?? I GRADUATED! Yes, done with uni forever. Bye Monash University. Hello Education at some other uni, anywhere in the world.

My dad is the best dad ever. He prayed for me, even though he’s not a Christian. He talk to something that is really important to me, and yet he doesn’t believe in any of that. To me, that’s like helping your gay son to find his gay identity even though you totally oppose his homosexuality. My dad is awesome, God will find him soon. I have absolute faith in that.

So what should I be doing next?

In my first year, one of my cell group members were telling me that her friend received a letter from God which was addressed to her. I was so appalled! Cos I don’t get such letters, or such spiritual indication or whatever you want to call it. I’ve never fainted when I stand close to the alter, and I’ve never really felt God talking or asking me to do anything before. The closest spiritual encounter I’ve ever gotten was probably during one of the DNA sessions when I finally could speak in tongues. No doubt it was amazing, but it was different from what I’ve imagined. Everything around me was still going on as per normal, but I would have expected like a burning bush that’s probably only visible to me. And the closest I could ever hear God are probably assumptions which I concluded myself.

Like for example, I was feeling crap during the mission trip cos I’m not doing what I thought I should be doing and I felt terribly extra. Then I read Matthew and the ‘body of Christ’ passage came up. I was having trouble with the children and I came across the passage where Jesus had children climbing all over him. I took that as an indication and added that in my prayer to God. Seriously, I wonder if those were considered God talking to me. And last semester, I was merely flipping the bible during one of my quiet time when I was getting a little hopeless and depressed and Romans 8:18 came to me. So I simply assume that these verses and passages were applicable to the circumstances that I was in and took them as God speaking to me.

OOHHHH. How can I forgot. I get ‘visions’ too. But I’d rather describe it as thoughts that I visualize myself in my own head. Cos when I describe what I see to people, its rarely applicable. That might not have been God after all.

I really wonder if all these were just positive reinforcement that came together with religion or is it God who is being SO encouraging all the time. I know I’m not exactly the smartest person around and most of the time I came across as stupid. Not only to the people around me but sometimes to myself as well. I only permit me to call myself stupid and I get seriously offended if other people direct that word to me. I’d rather introduce myself as being ‘smart’ but a little slower. With all these, I got reassurance from God that I’m not stupid.

I want a letter. I want to know what is from you, and what is from my own thoughts.

Pastor Debbie Prescott spoke over my life once during DNA encounter, I don’t remember the exact words she said but I remember something like this “She is not stupid, she is made in YOUR  image and don’t let the devil’s lie get into her head and open up the wisdom in her.” Pastor Debbie repeated “SHE IS NOT STUPID” so many times in that prayer that I really started thinking to myself: Am I really so STUPID that God have to reassure me that I’m not so many times? Then I thought of how mothers will tell their daughters that they are extremely beautiful just when she just lost her eye to cancer.

When I was young, I only need to pick up a ball or climb a double stairs and adults will start cheering and say stuffs about how ‘above average’ I was compared to other kids. When I grew older, things just get different. Even when I haven’t done well in Uni, the word ‘STUPID’ was not in my vernacular when I’m describing myself. Somehow, things just changed after that.

Papa starts saying I’m hopelessly stupid.
I fail more than any average international and I sometimes do think that I’m stupid.
Friends probably aren’t so direct cos they’re not anyone who can say that to you.
My closest friend that time just happen to like using the word ‘stupid’ as much as I often use the word ‘shit’.
My room mate last year kinda keep emphasizing that Singaporeans gets pretty anal when they get credits. They aimed for distinctions and will only be happy with HIGH distinctions. She even asked me if I’m truly a Singaporean because my results were mostly Ps and NILs and even credit is something I consider achievements in my transcript.

So then, ‘STUPID’ had been something that I use quite a lot to describe myself. Like just an hour ago, I was talking to my course mate on the phone and I say some thing like “I’m actually quite stupid compared to other Singaporeans you know, so don’t compare me with them.”

So yeah, I’m not from the express stream like other average Singaporeans. I’m from Normal, so what? I probably can’t be a scientist cos I don’t even have the brain for it. I aimed to do medicine cos I didn’t wanna loose to my smart-alec brother, but I obviously couldn’t do it. Is there anything that I can do to make a living? Seriously, my aim is no longer to earn enough to make a living, I’m so stupid that I can only work for God. Cos it probably doesn’t require much IQ or brain power. Even the kids in belyuen could run faster than me. What do I have to offer, seriously?

So if that really came from God, why does he have to encourage me right after he convinces me that I’m not as smart as my average friends?

The Blackaby’s said: The world steers me to my strenghts and God works in my weaknesses.

I really only have weaknesses to offer. Take them, or non at all. Give me a letter, tell me what you want and I’ll filter and throw out the rest for You.

we want to run to the alter
and catch the fire
to stand in the gap
between the living and the dead

give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
we will make a difference
bringing hope to their land

I really don’t know what I’m writing. I’m chucking all possible facts to make up the relevancy (hopefully) on my essay. I just hope that you get me out of this quickly. I want to write essays that I really would understand.

Please give me a super lenient marker who probably don’t understand what she’s marking as well.

Amen.